(732): Fettucini Alfredo is macoroni and cheese for adults.

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(732): If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed up.

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(201): -fwd: I ws stuck int the truck for 20 mins before you camed to save me, I was gonna bust out of the car using my trexasaurus powers but I didn want to hurt it. Hahahahaha. Roooaoaaaarrrr.

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(518): and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card

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(201): i just had sex, brushed my teeth, and washed my shot glasses in the shower. im such a good multi tasker.

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(609): It was like some sort of supernatural phenomenon. Shot after shot after shot and as my drunkenness increased my morals decreased. And all of the sudden anything with a pulse became attractive.

Great Night (24) Bad Night (8) Comment (0) More texts from (609)

(710): Yo man I just saw 2 guys chasing a gorilla screaming 'it stole my bananas' ..... when the fuck did we get transported to Australia

Great Night (17) Bad Night (3) Comment (0) More texts from (710)

(856): i was pissing all over my friends car and a snake came out of the tire and slithered across my feet. i pissed all over myself. karmas a bitch

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(201): Meeting at Dunkin Donuts tomorrow morning at 8:50 AM sharp.

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(904): I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...

Great Night (356) Bad Night (31) Comment (2) More texts from (904)

(973): oh i meant to tell you the other night, im glad you had the self control to keep your pants up. more than can be said for me...

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(438): idk if he could get it on or what but when i went to put my clothes on there was 20 plus condoms on the floor. who the fuck does that and why was i so hammered?

Great Night (8) Bad Night (0) Comment (1) More texts from (438)

(202): im like 'down boy'; and its like 'fuck youuuu'

Great Night (20) Bad Night (2) Comment (1) More texts from (202)

(565): S:The whole way home i thought i was being chased by zombies:R: so u got high i take it?

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Remember The Pics From Last Night?