(347): as we were playing beer pong i heard a thump in my bathroom, came in to see a waterfall, a broken toilet, and my friend naked. my other friend pissed herself on the spot and i slid from the waterfall...then she mopped up her piss...NEVER HAVING ANOTHER PARTY AT MY HOUSE EVER AGAIN.

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(117): chicken

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(216): can you put butt plugs in the dryer?!!

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(919): received: "hey do you watch huge?" sent: "yeah I just love emotional camps full of celulite"

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(905): as soon as i whipped it out the only words that came out of her mouth was 'holy cock batman!'

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(705): (rec) remember that account we made on that dating site? I just got an email saying I was voted "Most Interesting Member". (Sent) That's because you put your occupation as "Blowjob champion- 3 years running" and your interests as "Sex. Lots and Lots of sex."

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(702): Reading drunk texts while drunk greatly enhance the experience

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(417): I blow my nose at you! I don't want to speak to you anymore. I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hampster!!!

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(417): s; you spent half a hour trying to ge the little gold flakes out of the 3/4 or the way full goldschlager bottle. then u decided chugging it would just b easier.

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(267): i was completely trashed last night but still managed to make a twitter account and post im wasted and dtf 12 times. im kind of like jesus.

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(781): yes, you'd be an great chaperone (617) because I have so many morals.

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(678): I don't know what I just puked up, but it tasted like a shoe store smells.

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(908): With Shark Week approaching, we need to establish a drinking game. Every time a shark kills something or someone, you take a shot.

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(201): I'm a kitty cat and you're a faggot

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