(585): when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

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(619): I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.

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(732): I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.

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(901): You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury

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(972): Why did you just call me and leave the most random voicemail....ever?! Lmao (1-972): We have liquid pot. Come over asap

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(816): I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.

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(805): Do you think transformers take it up the exhaust pipe? (1-805): Dude when yur drunk you need to stop thinking of crazy shit like that or I'm going to send the psych ward to your house to pick you up (805): It's a yes or no answer

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(908): If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."

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(604): I have a video of Jess dancing in the street last night (1-604): So she does that all the time and you always record her doing it (604): Yea...but you're taking a shit on someone's stoop in the background this time (1-604): Yea man...that happened.

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(412): seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?

Great Night (45) Bad Night (10) Comment (0) More texts from (412)

(301): i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.

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(812): dude you blew a 1.54 when they breathalized you and when the cops asked you if you needed an ambulance you told them "fuck no i just need a ciggarette" (1-812) i'ma hardass like that.

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(413): im adjusting really well to waking up for school again. i guess i got used to having to wake up at the crack of dawn to work while hungover, this shits a breeze.

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(515): Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?

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